Healing
by Blamey77
Summary: Set not long after ANH. Leia is haunted by the destruction of her home world. Plagued by nightmares and insomnia, she slips up and accidentally reveals her pain- to the person she least expects to care. I have a vague outline for this story, but it keeps expanding, so all I can say is that more chapters are planned.
1. Chapter 1

The dream began as it always did.

She was standing on the terrace of her Palace on Alderaan. Her home.

The sun had long gone. Leia looked out at the sparkling lights amidst the darkness. The looming mountains were just dark shapes in the distance. Someone not accustomed to the sight of them might find them intimidating but to Leia, the sight of them had always been comforting. They made her feel shielded by these mass landforms as if the earth of Alderaan itself was trying to protect its Princess. Even at a young age, Leia had been aware of a vaguely sinister threat beyond those mountains, outside the walls of the city of Aldera.

It was time for dinner.

Leia turned away from the terrace and walked through the corridors of the Palace. The light material of her dress billowed against her legs. The paintings that lined the walls were blurry as if the details were slowly fading from memory but she didn't notice. She had somewhere she had to be.

Leia was in the dining room. The dining table was where it always was- in the middle of the room- but everything else was different. The walls were grey, mechanical, much like the walls of a ship. The back wall of the dining room had been replaced by a large window from which the vast expanse of space could be seen.

The planet of Alderaan hovered in view.

_How can I be looking at Alderaan? _

It was always at this point in the dream that she felt a sense of dread.

Her father sat at the head of the dining table as always. He was facing her but his eyes were drawn to something over her shoulder. Leia tried to get him to notice her. She called out 'Father' but no sound came out. She tried to wave her hands to get his attention but realised she was handcuffed.

_Why won't he look at me? _

Leia called out for her father again, but still she had no voice. She wanted desperately to tell him that they shouldn't be here.

"In a way... in a way... in a way." The words echoed in her head. She tried to cover her ears but couldn't separate her hands as they were bound together. Leia looked at the binders closely, wondering why she couldn't feel them on her skin. When she looked up, she was standing next to her father in front of the window. Bail was looking at her. Leia looked from her father to Alderaan hovering in the distance. She knew what was coming and looked back to her father. Her heart beat rapidly. His mouth was moving, but no sound came out.

A gloved hand gripped her shoulder from behind. Leia tried to move but she was frozen.

"In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first," a voice said.

Then an explosion.

Leia cried out and fell backwards, covering her face with her arms. She looked up but her father was gone.

"You're far too trusting," was whispered in her ear.

Leia bolted upright in the bed, suddenly awake. Her hand flew to her ear; she could still feel the warm breath of the whisper. Hair clung to the sweat on her forehead and her body shook from the impact of the dream. She slowly realised that the sobbing sounds she heard were coming from her.

_Every night. Every damn night_.

She shuddered and released a shaky breath.

_It's always the same. I know what's going to happen but I can't ever stop it. _

Leia sat upright in her bed for awhile, recovering. She waited for her trembling to subside and her breathing to even out, then threw the covers aside and climbed out of bed.

_That's all the sleep I'm getting tonight._

The base was quiet at this time of the morning. Leia wandered around with no definite destination in mind. All of the rooms she passed were dark, empty and silent. The only sounds she heard were the buzzing of machinery and the chirping of native birds from outside the walls of the rebel base.

Leia realised how early it must be and felt a wave of exhaustion. She went into the training room and sat on a bench. The room was dark and mostly void of furniture except for some fitness equipment. Leia rubbed her face wearily. Sitting there in the dark with her face in her hands, it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to close her eyes. She was lightly dozing until the image of the explosion reappeared in her mind.

Leia's body jerked involuntarily and she fell off the bench, wrenching her knee painfully. Hissing in pain, she crawled back onto the bench.

_If I don't get some decent sleep soon, I'll go crazy. _

The recurring nightmare had been coming earlier and earlier in her sleep cycle and Leia never went back to sleep after it. The more she thought about it, the horrible dream and her helplessness, the more her frustration grew. Balling her hands into fists, she knew she needed an outlet for her anger. Leia looked around the room and spotted a punching bag.

_Perfect. _

The frustration poured out of her body as Leia hit the bag over and over. Every punch was harder than the next. Trying to make a sizeable dent in the bag gave her mind a much-needed focus.

She didn't know how long she spent letting loose on the bag but eventually the sounds of people walking around the base made her stop. The lights flickered on; they were set to do so at the same time each morning.

Leia shook out her shoulders and exhaled slowly, trying to calm her racing heart rate. Her muscles had not been warmed up when she strained them and she was feeling the consequences. Pain emanated from her hands and wrists and her shoulders were aching but she ignored it.

It was time to be Princess Leia.


	2. Chapter 2

_Apologies for the delay in updating! I got stuck with this chapter big time. _

Leia entered her office, expecting stacks of information regarding upcoming supply runs to cover her desk. She was not disappointed. Just looking at all of the work made her feel tired.

She took a seat, surveyed the workload in front of her and sighed.

Hours later, it didn't seem like the stacks had gotten smaller but Leia had organised the details for many crucial supply runs. Her stomach growled, begging her to go on a supply run of her own.

It would have to wait. She was too engrossed in her work to leave now, deciding to organise one more run and then get something to eat.

The Alliance desperately needed their fresh food stores restocked. Soon, all they would have to eat would be dried, packaged foods and although it wasn't a dire emergency, Leia knew how disgruntled everyone became (herself included) when the Alliance relied on their backup food stores, which consisted of non-perishable packaged protein. There were supposed to be different flavours available, according to the colour-coded packets, but if there were variations in taste, Leia had yet to experience them.

For this run, a ship would be needed with a decent amount of cargo space. The pilot would have to be especially fast and discreet so as not to show up anyone's radar. Purchasing large quantities of food in bulk was bound to draw attention.

Leia had the sinking feeling that she knew exactly who was needed for this supply run.

Han Solo.

He wasn't cheap, but the man was undeniably good at smuggling.

Drumming her fingers on the desk, Leia thought about the best way to approach him about the job. At best, their relationship could be described as precarious. Following the award ceremony, Han had surprised her by not leaving as soon as she had placed the medal around his neck. True, she had discovered that there was more to him than money, if his coming back to help destroy the death star was any indication, but Leia often wondered just how much more there was.

The man confounded her. His determined haggling over the amount of money he got paid suggested a man whose primary interest was in lining his pockets, but Leia knew that Han could earn much more money working independently. Did he believe in the goals of the Alliance? It was tempting to think so, but the smuggler had vehemently denied it. Their most recent encounter had seen a friendly conversation quickly escalate into an argument after he made an offhand remark about the futility of the war. Leia had avoided him since. She hated how he could get her so worked up; to the point that she felt she had almost no control over herself.

The only explanation for the effect that he had on her was because of how aggravating he was. Leia was sure that she was not the first or the last person to think of him as such.

In fact, Chewie seemed to see it as his duty to remind Han daily of his less charming attributes. The wookiee was the pin that regularly deflated the balloon that was Han's enormous ego.

Leia liked Chewie. He also seemed to have more of an interest in 'The Cause,' as Han called it.

If only Chewie was the one that needed convincing.

She stretched her neck and groaned. It seemed likely that her afternoon would be spent 'discussing' compensation with the pilot. Leia was going to need all of the patience and energy she could get to deal with Han Solo, so she decided to have something to eat first.

"Hey, Leia," someone called out.

She recognised Luke's voice and searched for him in the mess, locating him in the corner.

"Hello," she said, putting her tray of food down across from Luke's, sat down and looked around with a smile. "Where are the Rogues? Shouldn't they be on their third helpings by now?"

"Normally that would be the case, but..." he trailed off and pointed to her plate.

Leia glanced down at the unappetising colourless squares that the Alliance was laughingly passing off as food.

"I don't know what you mean," Leia answered, innocently. Luke grinned, knowingly. She picked up her fork and looked at her food unenthusiastically.

"Have you seen Han today?" asked Luke.

"No, but I'm going by the Falcon later to talk about a job." Leia braved a mouthful of her meal.

"A supply run?"

Leia chuckled at how hopeful he sounded. "Maybe."

"Oh, good," Luke answered. "The Rogues were talking about leading a march through Mon Mothma's office, protesting the quality of food lately."

Leia shook her head, amused.

"Most of them were joking, but I think Jansen is just dumb and food-obsessed enough to try it. Even by himself."

"I can only imagine Mon's reaction to that," she said, drily.

"What could she do? Sentence him to no more cubes of food? That's as good as rewarding him."

Leia couldn't disagree as she was currently regretting taking a bite of her meal. The rubbery, smoky taste lingering in her mouth was not encouraging her to continue. Her stomach rumbled almost angrily and she sighed.

"I guess I should get this run sorted out quickly then," Leia said, starting to pack up her tray.

"But you just got here," commented Luke, surprised, "You barely ate anything."

Leia looked at him, pointedly.

"Well, I know it isn't exactly delicious, but you need to eat something to keep you going."

There were times when Leia thought of Luke as her best friend and then there were times when he sounded exactly like a chiding father or brother and she couldn't help being amused.

"I'll be fine, Lukie, but thanks anyway," she teased. A young female pilot had taken to calling him 'Lukie' after her younger brother, whom she hadn't seen since joining the Alliance. Luke being Luke had never asked her to stop but fervently hoped that no one else would overhear his new nickname. Naturally, the Rogues were the first to pick it up and the name was all over the base within a week.

"All right, all right," Luke muttered, his neck flushing, "There's no need for name calling."

Leia stood up, grinning. "I'll see you later then. I'm off to convince Han Solo to do something he probably won't want to do. And then I'll probably bang my head against a wall for a good long while."

"Well, good luck with that."


End file.
